I Meant Scum, not Cum!
by AriaEnoshima
Summary: When Hinoka lets out a slip of her tongue, little does she know that it will result in the Nohrian and Hoshidan royal family discussing their attractions for their enemies and everybody sort of trying to get along with each other? Crack fic.
1. Start of something new to cum

**A/N: I thought of the concept of this story on a whim and decided to run with it! I hadn't written anything in two years, but if I ever want to do anything I have 'planned' out, I may as well try and write something stupid.**

 **There is mention of rape sexual fantasies, lust and general perversions. With this kind of title, what were you expecting?**

 **Inspired by the "Nohrian Cum" meme. Set at the decision point (Chapter 6).**

* * *

"There's no way I'm letting you Nohrian cum run away with my brother again!" I screamed out at those brother snatchers. I hadn't trained all these years just to have Corrin back for a couple of days. I was so proud of my witty comment and the stunned silence that came over everybody as a response that I didn't noticed the Nohrians confused faces.

I glance over at my siblings to see if they would add anything, but only Ryoma would look in my general direction. Takumi was facepalming? Did some random soldier fall over in a funny way whilst I pronounce amazing comeback? I would have to get the reenactment from him later.

Surprisingly, Sakura was the one to break the stalemate.

"Sister, you do realise what you just said?" She stuttered out, with her face redder then her normal state of embarrassment. I was sorely disappointed in her since she missed the moment I laid the verbal beatdown on those bastards, but being the loving sister I am decided to enlighten her.

"Obviously, I just said that those Nohrian cum aren't getting their paws on Corrin again," I state tiredly "It isn't like you to ignore my remarks, are you feeling okay?" That is the only natural conclusion to this confusion she must have.

This must of knocked Takumi back into real life because he was next to add his piece "Hinoka, you said 'cum', not scum. You uh, didn't mean that did you?" I hope he thought that I didn't mean that, but I just have to play it down. Nobody has to know what I get up to when I do 'solo practicing'.

"Takumi, I wouldn't want to bed these beautie- bastards! I meant bastards!" If I knew I was about to scream out what I think of my enemies today, I would of just stayed in bed imagining those fantasies…

Unfortunately, my life (and fetishes) were unraveling before my very eyes.

"Oh my, I did not expect you of all people to be lusting after my brothers. Naturally, your brothers would dream about ravishing me but for you to ravish my own?"

That bitch knows just what buttons to press to make everything worse.

"There is no way any descent Hoshidan would dream of bedding any of you Nohrians!," Oh, thank you Ryoma "I just dream of you looking like a average Hoshidan in my dreams." Oh, screw you Ryoma. Not only did you ruin any chances of everybody forgetting about this, you decide to come on to that slut over there.

"Does anybody else feel like fraternising with their enemies today?" Corrin cries out in exasperation. I kind of forgot he is supposed to be affirming his loyalty to his real family at this moment. If I just kept my mouth in line, I could be wiping that whores blood off my naginata.

Tall blondie with the stupid sword shares a look with blond nerd. The nerd speaks towards me "Whilst I am, uh flattered by your affections, you are not the Hoshidan of my dreams." I don't like the way he said Hoshidan instead of woman. Don't tell me he is after Sakura's body!

Oh, he's now staring at Takumi. Nevermind, they deserve eachother. Dinner was never the same after Takumi asked me one day why I was screaming so loudly in my room.

The sword blond now decides to add his comment. "I appreciate the compliment, but you are not the right Hoshidan woman for me." I don't like that he used both Hoshidan and woman. Yeah, I don't need to say that he is obviously after Sakura's sexy body.

That little brat now decides that it is her turn to speak up. "I'm not sure what this all means, but I like you all equally!" It's nice to have a innocent (I refuse to interpret that as anything else) comment in between all of this nightmare fuel.

As soon as those words are said, that skank decides that it is her turn to have gazes on her bosom "Now that all of my family besides darling Corrin have said their preference, it is your decision to pick from one of us." When the hell did this turn into a sharing session? We have a right to keep our fantasies in our heads!

Speaking of heads, this was enough for Sakura's head as she faints on her spot. At least one of us is escaping this situation.

Takumi swerves his head around, assuming that it isn't his turn. Since me and Ryoma have said our 'preferences', and Sakura is out of the picture, the last of the Hoshidans pride lies with him.

Yeah, we are majorly screwed.

"Can we just skip to the part where I shoot arrows into all of you?" He pleads, knowing the likely outcome.

Just to make sure fair is fair, I step in "I told the objects of my rape fantasies what I would want them to do to me, so you aren't escaping this, Takumi!" I don't think I first said the rape fantasy bit, but it's better to be honest at this _very_ low point.

After a few moments of silence and more awkward glances shared, he turns his back to everybody (who isn't fighting in the background. We still haven't won this fight?).

"All of you" He practically whispers, but everybody heard.

I didn't have high hopes, but I didn't expect this low. I was predicting 3, tops. When I get home, I am going to have fresh Takumi sushi with Corrin. He just looks like he is past crying about this situation and just wants to lie down and wait death. Wait, Corrin _was_ lying down. Maybe pretending this is not happening will allow him comfort when he gets back to Hoshido.

No wait, he is standing up. Now he is running into the forest.

"I'm not listening to you talk about your sex lives, I'm out!"

I think I see a flash of blue hair back there. What Azura was doing of the bushes is of no concern, but it makes me wonder about the security of this traumatic incident. The last thing anybody (besides that little girl, probably) needs is for this to get out to the public.

Wait, why am I not chasing after them? I knew it was a bad idea to get off my ride. That cunt has a similar expression of despair to what is probably on my face right now. I change my face back to neutral. I don't want to share anything else then I have to with her.

"So… What do we do now?" Ryoma (after finding his voice) states weakly.

* * *

After escaping that 'confrontation', me and Corrin are resting in a random clearing.

"Azura, that was terrible" I know, it hurts me as much as it hurts you.

"I mean, Xander and Sakura? They have no chemistry, I was hoping for Xander and Ryoma myself." Okay, this doesn't hurt me as it does you. You and your 'shipping' ways are 'clearly' more hurt then me seeing the family I never knew and the family I grew up with confessing their attraction to each other in the most stupid way possible.

"Thank goodness Leo and Takumi can go together, but that is only a silver lining to all of this!" Why did my cousin have to be this crazy? Is this really the person that the whole world relies upon? I can deal with him being a little naïve and dumb, but this is a whole different thing. Why me?

* * *

After I wake up from fainting, Hinoka is standing over my bed.

"Sakura, are you okay now?" I am more then fine. Camilla-oneesama addressed me! Even if it wasn't explicitly towards me, I will take what I can.

I nod at my sister. How I wish it was Camilla-oneesama standing by my bedside…

"I think I will be better, Hinoka. Thank you for the concern but I feel a little sleepy" A total lie, but she doesn't know any better.

"Well, if you need anything just call, okay?" Cut this shit out, I need to keep Camila-oneesama's voice fresh in my ears.

As soon as the door closes, I start.

"Camilla-oneesama, I didn't expect to see you in the bath, naked, masturbating, and ready for me!"

* * *

 **This was quite enjoyable to write these interactions. I do kind of have a sequel concerning Elise v.s Sakura. Did you think Elise was too innocent in this fic, think again!**

 **Thank you for reading this and please review and tell me what could be done better!**


	2. Inconspicuous Imoutos: Elise Side

**A/N: I didn't really think about putting another chapter up but I may as well keep up this momentum i've gotten recently.**

 **Please, enjoy my story!**

* * *

It's now been a few days since Corrin ran headfirst into a forest, spewing nonsensical denials. Us and the Hoshidan army have worked out a somewhat weak truce to try and find Corrin. I doubt we can find that idiot when he gets those weird ideas in his head. It was good back at the fortress when we played hide and seek since it gave me a bit more time to finish what I was working on. At this point, it is nothing but very vexing. I could be working out Plan J to take over Nohr instead of running after a tantrum having toddler!

Deciding that getting angry at somebody miles away is useless, I move out of my tent into the plain field both armies decided to use to situate our truce. Since my family think's I am not used to roughing it, I got a good clear spot, free of any rubble or other discomforts. Sometimes, being the youngest has its perks for a future Queen.

Pausing my musing of my soon-to-be-obtained glory, I notice my Hoshidan counterpart looking towards a certain tent. Again. I'm starting to think she has nothing else to do but blush and stalk Camilla's sleeping place. She hasn't been promoted to a full grown stalker but if I leave her be, it is sure to happen.

In my head, I decide to solidify any future treaties I will have with Hoshido.

In the real world I say, "Hey, do you wanna play with me?"

She seems somewhat startled at my approach, but being startled at somebody right in front of you is a very good indicator of your attentiveness. I bet she is glad I don't want her dead since I could've killed her 100 ways in the past minute just with my bare hands.

After another wasted minute, she accepts my proposal. I direct her towards a 'spare' tent that just so happens to have water boiling and a selection of Hoshidan and Nohrian sweets. It doesn't need to be said that only our favourites are there.

We get settled and I start interroga- I mean, asking Sakura how she is "So, you having fun with all this?"

"Ah, yes. I only dream is that this kind of peace between both our countries can be brought upon without our brother disappearing" Keep dreaming, sister. As long as my asshole of a 'father' lives, peace may as well be made of glass. I bet you don't want our truce to end because you haven't wooed Camilla into your bed or marriage yet.

I don't exactly hate Sakura pursuing Camilla. It would take her out of my hair in terms of being next in line to the throne besides dipshit and idiot. Sakura is just so transparent in her love of Camilla that it makes me sick. When I marry, it will be to secure power and loyalty to Nohr after their king and royal prince 'tragically' die in quick succession.

Even though I am unworried in long pauses because I am positive Sakura is not a very good conversationalist, to be polite I answer "That's true, I would love to play with more Hoshidans!"

Now to suss out which Hoshidans of a noble line are stupid enough to like playing with a 13 year-old brat. Sakura stirs her untouched tea for a while, perhaps pondering who would like to play with me.

"That's great, I'm sure they enjoy playing with you too" That was as useful as Sakura herself.

After some more useless small talk, she leaves. I am glad to see her go since she only managed to agrivate me and waste my time.

I decide to go review the Hoshidan army roster that I 'borrowed'.

"How the heck did this girl even get to be a retainer?" I mutter as I browse the scroll (why can't they use a book to write things down in?). I've seen this Setsuna around camp and it hardly looks like she can put on her own clothes, let alone be a highly ranked archer. I don't know what Hinoka is thinking. Prehaps she likes babying a grown woman?

"This guy's such an asshole!" I not so quietly mutter again when I read the next entry. I remember asking to get a simple apple from a tree (unfortunately, maturity does not mean height) and he starts telling me about how meaningless life is! He didn't even get me the apple! Shows me how good Hoshido's 'bushido' honour is.

After a few more outbursts of "Is all this girl do is train?," and "Maybe I should ask her to give a once over my current outfits…", Effie decided to interupt.

"Elise, i've gotten word from back home" She dutifully informs me. I'm glad her friends from the slum can finally bear fruit on their surveillance. I suppose getting payed to watch a feed from a spying stone (patent pending) is a good deal for everybody. Besides Garon, since this brings me one step closer for putting him down for good.

"Well, what did it find?" I ask, trying to keep most of the anticipation from reaching my voice.

"Ignoring most of Garon's evil posturing, he seems to be planning _another_ execution of random Hoshidan merchants he captured" Effie relayed to me. Preventing these from happening is good, but he does this every week! It's starting to get boring.

"Tell them to set up the usual positions with the rescue staves and make sure to get any info and valuable materials from them" I say before Effie leaves to do just that.

"Man, planning a hostile takeover of your own country is hard work…"

* * *

 **Whilst this ended up more focusing on Elise, I hope you enjoyed this. Writing Garon destroyer Elise is quite fun!**

 **Please fave/follow/comment/stalk me as you please and have a good day!**


	3. Inconspicuous Imoutos: Sakura Side

**A/N: It's been a little while, but I am glad to be back writing this. I have now decided to go through the last chapter thought Sakura's POV.**

 **Just a little thought to explain why both armies are camping out unlike Revelations. In the game, Corrin directly spoke that he/she does not want to take a side in this. Here, Corrin just ran away. Even though the two royal families may dislike each other (outwardly at least), they both want to look for their lost sibling.**

 **I have also edited a little of the notes in last chapter to put consisely in this one.**

* * *

I woke up not with the usual bright sunlight shimmering through my Hoshidan bedroom nor with darkness wrapping itself around me if I woke up in a Nohrian dungeon. Instead, I am greeted with a dull sunlight piercing through the dull tent fabric. Another day begins in the camping grounds of the truced Hoshidan and Nohrian armies.

After getting ready for the day ahead, I start to stroll towards the Hoshidan's designated training grounds. There is no doubt that Hana and Subaki are already there. Even if I wake by dawn, they are sure to be up before me. Whilst that kind of devotion is nice, it does disconcern me that one time I saw Hana smelling my undergarments before she started to wash them.

In general, the atmosphere is quite tense between the two armies. Even though I do know the reason for this truce, we cannot afford to tell all of our foot soldiers that the reason for this is for a lost siblings sake. I am sure that one side would blame the other for this and it would spiral out of control before we can even determine Corrin's location. Having the armies be held up because of 'diplomatic inquires' is as best lie we can come up with.

I would of probably walked straight into Subaki if Hana hadn't dashed up and gave me her greeting hug.

"Sakura! Good to see you!" She says whilst still hugging me. I sometimes wonder if she expects me to get lost or something? Not that I don't appreciate her, but we see each other everyday. It would be amazing if we didn't see each other for any significant amount of time.

Subaki turns to me and gives me a friendly nod before going back to smashing his training naginata around. Hana then realises she is still supposed to be training and dashes off me to do so.

"How long have you been here?" I ask. I know the answer but it is somewhat of a routine we do.

"Since dawn" Subaki manages to grunt in before doing a complicated looking twirling slash maneuver. Is that even practical? Things like this make me glad that I only use rods.

"Even though we aren't fighting at the moment, there is no reason to ever stop training!" Hana starts wringing her hands before suddenly slashing out at a training dummy. In times of uncertainty, Hana training is one thing you can count on.

I continued to watch for a little while before my retainers went to continue their camp duties. After making sure they were not watching, I started to head into the Nohrian side of the camp. I may get in trouble, but it will be worth it.

I know the object of my affections likes taking a bath around this time. This is the perfect goal.

My goal: Entering Camilla-oneesama's tent

Going inside her sacred temple is one summit I feel like I can reach. I fainted whilst being generally talked to! I can't handle interaction with Camilla-oneesama at the moment. Getting used to surroundings where she lives is a good way to get used to her presence.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

I arrive at the destination with plenty of time to spare before I meet up with Hana. I won't spend too much time in Camilla-oneesama's tent, but getting in there is a problem. Not only do I have to work up the courage to get in there, but I have to get in without anybody noticing.

Yesterday, I only got to work up my courage for two minutes before some red headed woman shooed me away. The day before, another woman stood directly in front of me when I was facing the tent for about 25 minutes before I decided to give up. But today, nothing will stop me! I feel like I can do it this time, for sure!

"Hey, do you wanna play with me?" I didn't even notice her being right in front of me! Am I doomed to fail at my objective?

I ponder my options of accepting, declining and just running away. I want to avoid this but maybe if I get used to this Elise, I can get closer to being with Camilla. Getting a convenient excuse to why I am here also plays a part in going to 'play' with Elise.

"S-sure, why not?" I respond. Just one step closer to being with Camilla-oneesama.

* * *

 **A/N: I have now decided to put the quirks or changes in the characters we have seen so far;**

 **Corrin: Living in a fortress with regular contact with a handful of people is bound to impact somebody in some way. He wants everybody to be happy and after reading a romantic novel Camilla once left behind, he decides the way to do so is for everybody to fall in love. His once pure and childish intentions have now lead to a near obsession with who he thinks are best suited to each other as a romantic couple.**

 **Azura: Knowledge of the true cause of the strife between Nohr and Hoshido has caused her to see herself as being superior to others. Even though she acts normally most of the time, if you disagree with her you may as well have just asked Garon to give you Nohr.**

 **Hinoka: Having a somewhat dubious physical attraction to the male Nohrian royals. Perhaps imagining if she got captured on her Corrin rescue attempts once turned a little steamy..**

 **Ryoma: As a noble samurai following the noble following of bushido, he will not tell any lies. Seriously, he is a colander in terms of keeping secrets. Makes me wonder how his ninja retainers deal with him (as we will see later at some point)...**

 **Sakura: Has the most pure and devoted love towards Camilla. It was hardly relevant when they were countries apart, but since they are now in the same vicinity it is starting to consume her.**

 **Elise: The only person who sees Garon is the disease on Nohr he is. A child's conviction can be a scary thing as the plans she weaves for her ascension to queen can tell you.**

 **I've got a few others, but they haven't become relevant yet...**

 **Stay tuned for Corrin and Azura's adventures in Valla (yes, it will be this next time - I swear!)**

 **Thank you all for reading this! I didn't think there would be any kind of interest in this but I will try to keep this up. Please review!**


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